Victoria told me that her daughter Katie (age 6) wakes up every morning, and before brushing her teeth, she has already asked if she can play with someone that day. “Katie will say, ‘Mommy, can you call to see if Andi can play, or Heather or Jaime? Please, Mommy, please?’ Unless I promise to do my best to try and get someone for her to play with, she’s frustrated and upset.”
You may find that as your child becomes more social, she will ask this question daily whether it is a school day or weekend. There seems to be little regard for whether there is actually time in the day to play with a friend, or whether you are able to arrange it within your schedule or the schedule of the other child’s parent. The drive to be with friends becomes stronger and stronger as children enter this stage of development. It is almost as if now that they’ve tasted what it’s like to have a social life, they can’t get enough of it.
Uncovering the Meaning
This question represents the first sign that your child is now behaving as a full-fledged, independently functioning, social human being. Your child will meet new friends primarily in school and at extra-curricular activities. She will learn how to make friends and interact with them, with less parent or teacher involvement than when she was younger. She will thrill at the opportunity to build on these new relationships outside of school thus the continued nagging question.
Some kids want to be outside playing ball all day long, while others want to be tucked away in their bedrooms chatting and playing board games with their friends. Not only is getting along with a friend a newfound skill that your child realizes she can do really well, but it feels great to have someone to play with who isn’t a parent or a sibling. It’s an opportunity to learn new games and to explore different parts of her personality than she gets to explore in her family. Do you remember reading in Chapter One that some children don’t like to play alone? Well, having a peer to play with ensures that they won’t have to at least some of the time especially in a busy home where parents and siblings don’t always have time to play.
Of course, as I will always remind you, like everything else, there is a range of normal social behavior among children. There are many completely well-adjusted children who are perfectly happy with one or two close friends, who have no need for constant social interactions, and who enjoy downtime alone when school is over. If your child does not ask to play with friends outside of school, it does not mean that something is wrong, unless he meets one or more of the following criteria. In this case, it’s important to speak to your child’s doctor, a child psychologist, or other mental health provider experienced in working with young children. It may simply mean that your child is shy, but if he is beginning to show signs of struggling socially, the earlier you provide intervention the better. Speak to a professional if your child
• avoids social interaction, shuts down, or becomes anxious around other children
• can interact socially with adults, but struggles to fit in with other kids
• doesn’t have any friends, or is often left out, teased, or bullied
• is physically aggressive, verbally abusive, mean, or angry toward other children
• shows no interest at all in making friends or shies away from social interaction, one-on-one or in groups
• would like to make friends, but doesn’t seem to know how to do it; despite you or the teacher helping, your child still can’t figure out how to approach or interact with other kids in a way that they welcome
You should also seek help if your child’s teacher or other school administrator has recommended that you do so.
The Best Way to Respond
There are two issues that you need to address when responding to this question. The first is to try to reduce the nag factor in order to preserve your own sanity. The second is to address your child’s desire to have the social interaction she desires.
In Chapter One, we discussed the importance of being clear with your child about your expectations and then following through in order to reduce nagging questions. (You might want to take another quick look at Chapter One now, but don’t forget to come back again.)
When it comes to socializing, it is a great idea to set up rules now, when your child is just starting out, because it’s much more difficult to make rules for older children. In order to help your child learn the “rules” of socializing, you will need to do a little advance work. Your rules should include the following components:
1. All homework and other activities must be completed before any playtime can be planned.
2. You need to be asked {not told), before your child schedules a playdate with a friend. This is an important rule because some kids, especially girls, will begin to arrange their own social lives beginning at quite a young age.
3. Your child needs to give you at least one day (or more if you need it) to try and schedule time with a friend, and she can’t be angry or upset if it doesn’t work out. You need to explain that you don’t control other people’s schedules. Tell your child that an inappropriate response can result in a negative consequence.
Once the rules are established, it is much easier to respond to this question. Tell your child: “Yes, I will call Heather’s mom and see if she’s available tomorrow or the next day. Remember, it’s too complicated to schedule playtime for the same day. When you come home from school today, I’ll let you know if I have been able to arrange it. But don’t forget, I’m not in charge of Heather’s schedule, so I’ll do my best, but it’s not okay for you to be angry with me if it doesn’t work out.”
If the playdate doesn’t work out and your child has a fit, I’d recommend a consequence that is related to her social life. For example: “Remember I told you that there would be a consequence if you were mad at me if the playtime with Heather didn’t work out. Well, it’s not okay that you’re yelling and crying right now. It means that you won’t be able to play with anyone for the next four days.” Then make sure that you follow through with the consequence or it will be meaningless.
